someone owes me an orgasm
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
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