i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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