He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
