Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
