I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
