Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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