I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
