Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
