I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
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Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
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So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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