she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
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I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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