he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
