Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
