my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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