I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
