So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
