I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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