if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
