I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
