he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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