Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My underwear smells like fireworks.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
