i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
