I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
