someone threw a dead crab at me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
