My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
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It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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