I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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