y did u give ur computer a hand job?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
