a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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