Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
