I met the friendliest cop last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
