I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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