I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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