he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
