so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize