Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
