took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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