Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
