you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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