My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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