how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
