Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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