My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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