Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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