Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
