I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize