Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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