tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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