By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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