Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
