Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
