there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
