How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
