if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
