we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
