Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
