I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
