I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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