Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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