I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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