every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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