I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
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remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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