brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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