i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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