My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...